70 Honest (Bad) Descriptions of Classic Videogames

70 Honest (Bad) Descriptions of Classic Videogames

Pokemon

A whimsical game of imprisoning and enslaving wild, sentient creatures in tiny stasis cages to have their only conscious experiences be a series of vicious dog fights unless they're lucky like Pikachu and ALLOWED to be your dog and follow you around

Minecraft

Basically Legos but with way less having to read the fucking manual

Dragon Age: Origins

"We put the fiction of Tolkien, Robert Jordan, and George Martin into a blender with an extra pinch of grimdark seasoning and produced this generic fantasy adventure for you. It has dragons. Hope you like it."

Secret of Mana

An enterprising and quirky band of eco-terrorists conspires to end capitalism and technology because a tree asked them to do it a solid

Final Fantasy VII

An enterprising and quirky band of eco-terrorists conspires to end capitalism and technology because... uhh... because... um... hey look how cool Sephiroth looks walking through fire! Isn't Cloud mysterious and tortured? Shhh we have a coherent plot, promise

Chrono Trigger

Time travel + cute, energetic girl + lovably awkward silent hero + robots + dinosaurs + magic + apocalypse + [...] = The best game ever that we made by just jumbling every possible thing we know you kids like as fan service

Stardew Valley

A game that shows you exactly how fun farm life can be by encouraging you to cover your entire property in a single cash crop and obsessively plan your daily routine so you don't waste a single second of daylight

The Sims

Do menial chores and play out boring, real-life scenarios to take care of tiny doll-people while aggressively ignoring your own chores and friends in real life

World of Warcraft

Grind through 90 (100? 110? Oh wait it's 60 again?) levels of generic fantasy content with way too many self-aware pop culture references to earn the privilege of being able to poopsock for three nights a week with a bunch of strangers

Fallout 1

A brave explorer sets out on the most epic fetch quest ever and eventually risks his neck to save his people, only to eventually be kicked out of his crappy commune. The real friends were the iguana sticks he ate along the way.

Fallout 3

Remember how good Fallout 1 and 2 were? What if we took out all the story nuance and interesting choices and made a dumbed-down first person shooter with none of the zany Southwestern charm inherent to the franchise? People will buy it either way, we're Bethesda

Fallout 4

Man, Fallout 3 sold really well. Let's make it even more of a dumbed-down shooter with a bad storyline, and uh... hey you know what game is awesome? The Sims. Let's add that in too.

Dark Souls

A game that teaches you that dying is good by exploiting your need to kill that one fucking skeleton who keeps murdering you and eventually triggering Stockholm syndrome

Factorio

Why do we even need to make a game? Let's just literally let these people optimize supply chains. A lifetime of corporate drudgery will cause them to love this.

Dwarf Fortress

Ignore the fact that you're literally watching ASCII characters flow around your screen and manipulating the most inscrutable UI ever. Appreciate the majesty of the deepest game ever, where even your dwarves' pets have deep feelings about becoming alcoholics.

Chrono Cross

The game might be a shameless cash grab with only tenuous ties to its predecessor and a dramatically inferior and confusing storyline, but it DOES have 40 more characters than you'll ever bother using.

Super Mario World

"So this plumber eats mushrooms to get bigger and feathers to fly through the air and flowers to shoot fire out of his hands and he rides a dinosaur and fights turtles..."

"What even IS this pitch? Are you on acid?"

"Yeah. Quite a lot."

"Cool. Ship it."

Earthbound

"Okay, well you'll LOVE my next pitch then. What if we gave a regular suburban kid WAY too much acid, told him he had to save the world, and then sent him to wander around the woods with four friends for a while?"

"Love that too. You're on fire today, Jim."

Lunar: Silver Star Story

A unremarkably generic anime movie with breaks for grinding in between the cutscenes.

❤️ @eigenrobot

Diablo II

You might not have known how much your dopamine system enjoys the thrill of cutting down swarms of loot pinatas, but you sure know now

Mass Effect

The world's worst handling and least fun ATV driving simulator nestled between sections of a really brilliant and fun story

Morrowind

What if we made a really awesome and engaging and rich fantasy world with an amazing storyline and then failed to tell players how to start the main quest or give them any map indicators? Players love directions like "turn left at the weird looking rock", right?

Knights of the Old Republic

Bioware HQ: "Let's make an awesome game with a great story and four open locations wrapping up in a fifth final one with some kind of Chosen One twist."

"Great idea, Jim. What else ya got?"

"Uh. Nothing. Let's just keep doing that forever."

Earthworm Jim

"Okay, okay. Hear me out: What if an earthworm finds some kind of magical scifi suit and goes on a metaphysical quest through crazy worlds?"

"Okay... What's his name?"

"Uh... Jim."

"Look, man. We're really starting to get concerned about your acid use..."

Street Fighter II

Cringey cultural 80s stereotypes from every country across the world engage in back-alley streetfights and GOD DAMNIT JIM STOP CORNER TRAPPING ME

Grand Theft Auto 3

"Wouldn't it be fun if we made a game with all of the necessary ingredients to single-handedly cause an American moral panic?"

Unreal Tournament

Congratulations: You now have the words "HEAD SHOT" and "KILLING SPREE" delivered via a deep, gravelly voice, forever embedded in your psyche

Tetris

Drop blocks into a well until your eyes bleed

Is it fun? Does it matter? It's not like you're going to stop

Starcraft II

Strategy game? No, this is just a race to see who can maximize their keystrokes per minute fastest.

Hearthstone

"Wizards of the Coast clearly doesn't have their digital CCG shit together despite sitting on this market for decades so why don't we just eat their lunch?"

Jeez, 53 likes? Okay wow, let's see what I haven't done yet.

Marvel Strike Force

You love Marvel. You love collecting heroes. We love money. Give us your money. All of it. Oh, you want to be F2P? Cool cool cool. You know this works like crack, right? Have your taste.

Rimworld

The art is garbage, but you'll be too busy watching your entire depressed, malnourished, wounded colony be slaughtered by a trio of frenzied squirrels to notice.

Baldur's Gate

The closest PC game to an actual tabletop D&D 2.0 experience, including "WTF is THAC0?", "Why does my mage only have 3 HP?", "Charm Person isn't fair!", and "Better spend 20 minutes carefully selecting and preparing spells for this 8 second fight"

Planescape: Torment

Why would you read an epic-length fantasy novel on boring old paper when you could do it on a fourth of your computer screen in a small black box with janky font?

Sonic the Hedgehog

"You're going to like this one: A hedgehog!"

"A hedgehog. Does he at least have powers or something?"

"He's uh... fast. Really fast!"

"And?"

"That's it."

"Whatever. We're just glad you stopped dropping acid, Jim. Make him fight robots and ship it."

Rock Band

A game that lets you LARP being musicians with your friends with incredible realism, right down to the fights about who gets to play what instrument, arguments over song choices, dramatic band breakups, and eventually a solo singing career when everyone quits.

Dance Dance Revolution

Everyone will finally know EXACTLY how cool you are when you bring your finely-honed DDR moves to the school dance, and they haven't even seen your practice mat at home!

Pong

The most fun you'll ever have with two lines and a dot unless you're some kind of weirdo Morse code fanatic getting off on the letter G

PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds

It's like the Hunger Games but with less whiny emotional drama and heavy-handed political messages, and more shrieking about chicken dinners.

Duck Hunt

Teaching children to play with handguns since 1984.

Terrarria

You can build anything and do anything! In theory. But what you'll actually do is build a janky-ass tower that you never bother to renovate and spend hours alternatively drowning deep underground and cursing at mini-bosses.

Nintendogs

You promised you'd buy your kid a dog if they got all A's this year, but you never expected they'd actually do it. Don't worry: We have a solution for you. They won't like it, but... well, that's it. They won't like it.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

What happens when you take everything fun about Zelda's dungeons and remove it completely. But look, we have horses! And a weird, janky, terrible weapon system.

Rocket League

It's got cars! It's got soccer! It's got rocket fuel! There's a really fun game here, but you'll never get your girlfriend to stop laughing and flying around in circles in midair long enough to actually play it.

This War of Mine

A game about managing a band of starving refugees in the middle of a war zone where you can't win and everyone is going to have to do horrible things to each other to survive and still die anyway. Yeah, it doesn't sound fun to me either.

Fallout Shelter

Eugenics: The Game. Once you get that primo 10-stats stud, you'll have him banging everyone in your shelter on a non-stop rotation, ethics be damned.

Hatoful Boyfriend

The world's first and best pigeon dating simulator. At first you think it's a funny joke, but soon you realize that your friends have stopped calling and you've spent 200 hours chasing your one true bird love and obsessively unlocking the hidden backstory.

Undertale

A game with graphics and mechanics from four console generations ago which is objectively not fun to play. Doesn't matter though because no one reads anymore and there's a smart story or something.

Disgaea

Conquer the underworld with a charming army of exploding demons in penguin suits while anime trope stereotypes shriek into the camera every three seconds.

Idle Heroes

Why do annoying things like press buttons for your dopamine hits when you can let your computer do the button pressing for you?

Katamari Damacy

An adorable and zany game that perfectly captures the spirit of unfettered capitalism, wherein the only law is "you must grow" and everyone and everything is fuel for your quest if only you've grown large enough to claim them.

Miner Dig Deep

A game so elegantly named that your primary goal, the main gameplay loop, the core mechanic, the dramatis personae, and all major plot twists are summarized in the three word title

Red Dead: Redemption 2

Proving once and for all that the GTA formula works even better if you just replace all the cars with horses and give everyone cowboy hats

TES IV: Oblivion

Balancing reward difficulty is hard, so let's just normalize scaling for the entire game. Sure, bandits in Daedric armor will shake you down for 10 septims, but that won't kill immersion, right?

Final Fantasy X

Time to beat the (mediocre) game = 30-40 hours
Time to beat the (real) game and become an epic Blitzball champion = 200 hours

Final Fantasy VI

An enterprising band of eco-terrorists utterly fail to save the world while exploring their petty personal drama but eventually kill the evil god-emperor anyway so at least there's some scorched earth-style retribution.

Untitled Goose Game

Being an asshole to people: The Game.

Portal

Spend hours upon hours breaking and twisting everything your brain knows about physics in a series of sadistic tests for the assured promise of cake when you finish, but I have some bad news for you

Pacman

Teaching children since 1980 that the only way to evade the ghosts which haunt them and feel powerful is to consume as many drugs as possible.

Battletoads

Look upon our works, ye mighty gamers, and despair. Don't even bother.

Outer Worlds

Fallout: New Vegas but with even less charm and substance and staying power.

Fallout: New Vegas

The best 3D/FPS version of Fallout that you'll never actually keep playing due to a horridly slow start and murderous death claws in one of your two initial choices for directions.

Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball

"I'm just playing it because I love volleyball!" he protests weakly to his girlfriend, as a YouTube video on his laptop is paused on a developer excitedly discussing their advanced boob bounce simulation mechanics.

Civilization 2-6

You didn't feel like sleeping for three days anyway, right?

Phantasy Star III

It might be a garbage RPG with a terrible UI and a boring and convoluted story, but you bought a Sega Genesis instead of a SNES so it's not like you have any other options.

XCOM: Enemy Unknown

If you don't have enough ways to flood your body with cortisol in your day to day life, this game is here to help

Mass Effect: Andromeda

The simultaneously most highly anticipated and widely-panned disappointment of a game since Daikatana

Long Live the Queen

A charming and addictive story-based game to train you in the many creative ways that one might encounter regicide when you finally take over the world

Pokemon Snap

The one and only entry in the pokemon series that encourages you to photograph and love animals instead of enslaving them and forcing them to fight. Not coincidentally, also the most boring entry.

Nidhogg

Stab a faceless army of immortal enemies and become reborn yourself a thousand times in an epic quest to end the misery of your existence by finally being consumed by a soul-destroying penis worm.

Divinity: Original Sin

A flawed but incredible turn-based strategy RPG guaranteed to have you singing "Cy-seal, cy-seal, shiver me timbers and slither me eels" to yourself loooong after you've gotten bored and stopped playing.

The Lab (VR)

Everyone's non-game sandbox introduction to VR gameplay, offering things like a cute robot dog, a bow, lots of tech demos, and... OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU SHOOT THE DOG YOU MONSTER

Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?

Teaching children since 1985 that they can get away with any crime as long as they have a passport and a better grasp of geography than the detectives chasing them.