Now Presenting for Your Entertainment: @liminal_warmth's recounting of the story of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings Trilogy, based on her cobbled-together memories of the half-read book series and some movies and cartoons she saw one time!
Our story begins in the little town of halfling-shire, where a bunch of gnomes chill and have parties and are sometimes visited by wizards who don't really seem to have that many magic powers and probably should have spent a little longer at Hogwarts
I guess maybe one of the gnomes one time went on quest or something with a bunch of lame dwarves who couldnt even kill spiders properly which was a terrible decision
But he got a nifty ring from a little cave dude and he really loves this ring. It's a rad ring
It doesn't SEEM that rad, like all it does is turn you invisible and poison your soul and make you really love the ring for no explicable reason
It's like a really bad abusive relationship
Anyway this gnome is named bilbo and he's into the ring hard
Apparently gnomes related to Bilbo procreated probably because they were busy partying while he was off on a nerdy quest and he's best pals with their kid Froyo
Who can remember. Anyway, Froyo is Bilbo's only real friend. And one day while Bilbo is celebrating his 200th birthday or whatever his shady wizard pal shows up and he's like "yo I know you love that ring hard pal but you gotta give it up, it's not good for you
Also we gotta throw it in a volcano because it's bad for everyone"
Bilbo, like everyone else ever in an abusive relationship with some asshole, is all "nooo I love it noooo" but eventually agrees to peace out and let his nephew love the ring for a bit so the wizard can meddle with his family some more because once wasn't enough
So I forget why exactly they agree to go on an adventure when they could just hang in halfling-shire and get their fuck on like normal teens
I guess they're in their 40s maybe
gnomes are weird
Froyo hits the road for a grand adventure with a few pals
Their names are Sam and the other two are entirely forgettable. I think maybe Merry and Pippin?
So they wander off and whine about how hungry they are a lot
And then eventually they meet some magic forest dude
The magic forest dude sings and dances and talks to them a little but doesn't do anything else and impacts the plot in no way whatsoever but he's a REALLY IMPORTANT ADDITION and we're led to believe he'll surely come back later probably because why else would he be here
Also they're being sort of tracked and hunted by these weird shadow guys who would kill the fuck out of the gnomes because they're obviously evil
Their dad used to date the ring too and he loves that thing as much as bilbo does, maybe more
So he's like yo go get my ring back
Eventually they follow the shady wizard guy's trail to some random generic fantasy roadside inn where a tall, dark, handsome ranger named Strider takes pity on the gnomes for reasons I don't remember, maybe he's pals with the wizard, agrees to protect them and escort them
I only remember Strider's name because he's really hot
He's like one of the few proper pieces of girlbait in the book
All tortured and emo and cool and strong and protective
He's perfect for girls with daddy issues
So they do a bunch of stuff I don't remember and eventually they wind up at this elf-dude's house
Bilbo rode some eagles there once maybe or maybe that was somewhere else
Anyway Froyo reunites with Bilbo here and they have a big meeting where they argue about rings and volcanos
(If you're bored right now DONT BLAME ME this isn't MY story)
Everyone wants to be part of the volcano party because they agree that this ring is really an asshole and nobody should date it, not even the shadow-dad
esp not the shadow-dad because then they'd be assholes together and enslave all the gnomes or something
A dwarf gets real angry and there's this guy named Boromir whos like Strider's less-hot, younger cousin who kinda wants to date the ring himself
And a cute elf boy, who could forget Legolas, played by former pirate and prettyboy Orlando Bloom
They all finally agree that Froyo is the one who should continue to date the ring for now because he's young and pure of heart like gnomes are
And they'll escort him to the volcano together because none of them trust each other to not Chad this Virgin out of the ring immediately
Oh also I think this is where we learn that hot Strider is some kind of lost king or something with an epic destiny like most hot, shadowy rangers with wizard friends are
he's all conflicted about it and just wants to play in the forest
(Let me say now I'm doing this off memory and DID NOT pay close attention so when I get everything wrong y'all don't need to correct me)
They go to some other elf's house except this elf is even cooler than the last elf, she's like one of two ladies in the book
She has neat powers that aren't really explained but one of them is turning all white and scary which looks real cool
Froyo tries to beg her to take the ring because at this point even he sees what an asshole this ring is and doesn't wanna deal with it
like a smart gnome he just wants to go home and get his fuck on
But she is a smart elf and she's like "bitch how DARE you try to make me deal with your bullshit ring boyfriend I've dealt with so many assholes in my life already and yes I know he's hot, he's hard to resist, so don't draw me back into that lyfe"
Also she's really hot and she kinda has this thing with hot Strider (which I like calling him better than Aragorn because it reminds me of "Acorn" which is lame)
they might have fucked i don't recall
Anyway she's like "go on hit the volcano boys I'll stay here like a smart elf"
So the boys leave for their roadtrip and for some bizarre reason like friendship Merry and Pippin are still hanging out, like I get that Sam is in love with Froyo but they really should have gone home at this point and given their swords to hot Strider
Because it's a party of like ten dudes no one is willing to ask for directions and they very promptly get lost in the mountains and they're all too proud to find a friendly elf to direct them
Also at this point I've spared you the details but I think we've talked about meals and being hungry and satisfying that hunger like 37 times
in great, scintillating detail
I'm bored even writing this tweet about it
They have some magic elf bread the nice hot smart fuckable elf lady gave them and you'd think they'd shut up about being hungry but nope they just wanna talk about how good the elf bread is
So they figure out that maybe there's a shortcut through the mountains
I can't remember why they have to take it
The shady wizard knows how to open it and like a weird cthulhu river monster maybe forces them to go in and collapses the door so they have to move on
For some reason they all assumed it would be nice and safe in the ancient scary ruin where the dwarves used to live but SPOILER it's not
They make too much noise and suddenly a bunch of goblins are chasing them all through the mountains
You'd think they would have maybe NOT opted to wander through dank goblin infested caverns esp after Bilbo probably told Froyo stories about his goblin funtimes and their terrible songs
Froyo is smart but not that smart apparently
So anyway they run and run and run and these goblins are too dumb to navigate their own cave system to like get ahead of the party and apparently they all lived on one side of the caves or can't text their friends on the other side so the party maintains a safe lead
And there's a VERY convenient narrow stone bridge which appears to be the single only divider in the caves that all the goblins were on one side of and they can't cross it even though they can scale walls like spiders but it's okay because gnomes can't run fast
So they're all like "noooo we're gonna die" esp when this weird fire demon pops out of nowhere to make things even more dramatic
And the shady wizard is all "relax i got this I brought a STAFF guys and I actually do have powers"
Not powers that have ever been useful before but he's pretty confident his staff is good against fire demons and goblin armies
It must have like 300 fire resistance
Unfortunately his powers aren't THAT useful after all because he promptly plunges to his death locked in battle with the fire demon and nukes the bridge
The party is like "oh shit that was our only wizard now what"
But at least all the goblins are stuck on the other side
Now that they've lost all their crowd control and water conjuration abilities they are very sad but press onward and conveniently it only takes like five minutes to get out of the mountains
it turns out it was a great shortcut
Maybe this was actually when they meet the elf girl who can remember
Anyway some orcs jump them immediately because shadow-dad has minions everywhere
While all the useful party members are fighting the orcs with no wizard and no healer the gnomes are wisely mostly hiding and when they're not they're failing
Boromir tries to steal the ring because he's a Chad and he's sick of Virgin Froyo getting all that sweet ring play
But it's okay he gets a heroic redemption when he sacrifices himself to kill an orc and he's like "take that abusive asshole to the volcano" ...probably
After the fight Froyo proves how very smart he isn't when he decides the safest course of action is to abandon his pals
Also Merry and Pippin promptly get their asses captured by fleeing orcs like the useless gnomes they are
Sam is in love with Froyo and follows him down the river because he KNOWS Froyo real well and doesn't want him to die
At this point basically everyone is dead or captured or running off being stupid and the party is an epic failure
The three remaining dudes are angry-dwarf, Legolas, and hot Strider
They decide rescuing some dumb gnomes is easier than chasing an invisible gnome down the river
(at this point we're approaching where I stopped reading the books and definitely don't remember much of the movies so this will be even more-cobbled together and wrong, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)
Somehow Merry and Pippin escape the orcs against all odds and run into the forest where it turns out all the trees are sentient and REALLY REALLY BORING
they talk forever about nothing
probably about logging concerns
Oh also there's this interlude where we get taken to a crazy dark tower with this dude named Saruman the White is running a cute little breeding orc farm as a hobby project
Apparently all the wizards are awarded color names when they do cool stuff
Gandalf the grey for mountain digging
Saruman the white for Tolkien's commentary on woke politics
Rashomon the brown because he loves squirrels
In addition to having fun playing eugenics-dad with the orcs Saruman is like cutting down trees to make houses or something
The ents disapprove of his capitalist tendencies because they're socialists
So anyway, after the chief ent Barkface waxes poetic about whatever the hell ents care about for entirely too long, Gandalf shows up very not dead and he's all dressed in white to symbolize his rebirth and because he wants to prove that not all white wizards are dicks
This would be really impressive since we last saw him fighting a fire demon except he's a wizard, hopefully he has SOME more importance to this story than just kind of sucking and being shady
Merry and Pippin are all like "Oh thank god our wizard isn't dead, we hardly know you but we love you and we know we need you because who else is going to polymorph the adds" and they decide to go to Rohan which is some bullshit kingdom no one cares about
(I have to admit I'm cheating a little now and getting a plot refresher on wikipedia because this is so fucking convoluted and nonsensical and I know you lovable nerds will get mad if I completely fuck the plot up and make too much up)
Some old dude is all decrepid and he rules Rohan and can't even manage this backwater properly and we find out it's because Saruman's pal is being a dick and corrupting him
After Gandalf forces that guy to stop being a dick with his new WHITE WIZARD powers which seem to be exactly the same as his old powers (basically nothing) he forces Rohan to send their army to some place called Helm's Deep which is important for reasons and goes back to Barkface
Merry and Pippin manage to get the socialist ents pissed off enough to attack Saruman's capitalist orc eugenics resort and they go wreck face
Then Gandalf and Saruman have some kind of EPIC WIZARD BATTLE which basically consists of them flexing by tossing each other around a little but hey at least it's some real magic
I would hate to see these dudes have to fight like Voldemort or Moridin or Darken Rhal but whatev
Because Gandalf is a merciful shady wuss he offers Saruman a chance to apologize for his legacy of eugenics and murder and make nice and join the good guys but Saruman is no weak-kneed do-gooder and doesn't even bother to lie nicely so Gandalf smites him
But Saruman's pal has a Really Good Plan to kill Gandalf which is dropping a magic rock nearby him and hoping for the best
One of the gnomes grabs it instead because actually this was a dumb plan
And the whole company rides toward some other fantasy city with a very forgettable name in some slightly more important country than Rohan which we are led to believe is probably strategically important maybe somehow
I don't really remember what angry-dwarf and pirate elf and hot Strider have been doing this whole time, I think maybe they're just along for the ride
Also shadow-dad has done nothing interesting up till this point except GLARING VERY EVILLY
And I'm just skipping over all of the MANY references to food and creature comforts throughout, I think we're at like 200 mentions of breakfast by this point and several lengthy descriptions of bark texture
At this point Tolkien remembered this isn't a story about talking trees fighting capitalist eugenicists and takes us back to our pals Froyo and Sampai who have forcibly befriended the ring's ex-boyfriend Gollie, who is a small cave-gnome with sharp teeth
Gollie knew Bilbo from back in the day when they were bros just chilling under a mountain, eating raw fish and telling each other cool riddles
They were tight till Bilbo stole Gollie's shiny ring girl which understandably pissed him off
The breakup's been real hard on Gollie. He lost all his hair and got real neurotic about the whole thing. I mean, he wasn't great even before that because the ring has always been an emotionally and physically abusive asshole but he's even worse now due to emotional trauma
The three gnome pals managed to get all the way to Moria, which is shadow-dad's home turf, because after they forced Gollie to be their friend Froyo and Sampai then made him lead them around and show them all his cool paths
Gollie has had a tough life
We know how damaged he is because he spends a lot of time talking to himself about how Froyo is nice (Gollie really loves abusive relationships apparently) but also he misses his precious ring and has a bunch of internal struggle he verbalizes about it
Sorry, they aren't in Moria actually. They're in MORDOR, which is three letters different and has way more orcs
I'm not sure what happened to shadow-dad's shadow-babies who we're told are dead kings or something, they're probably riding around focusing on looking cool and not getting in trouble by pretending to work very hard on finding shadow-dad's ex-gf
While skipping around Mordor the gnomes bump into some dude named Faramir who explains that he's Boromir's better brother. Maybe Boromir was so evil because his parents couldn't even be bothered to find more original names for his siblings and he got a complex.
Anyway, Faramir is too smart to get in with that abusive asshole of a ring and they continue on toward shadow-dad's volcano.
Why shadow-dad has a volcano that can destroy his favorite abusive girlfriend is unclear but probably it's useful or something.
Gollie turns out to be a bad friend, though, which shouldn't surprise ANYONE since you can't force cave gnomes to be friends with you and Sampai was right about him all along. He leads Frodo and Sampai right into the lair of an evil spider.
This is the ultimate betrayal because spiders are awful and no one should ever have to hear about them let alone see really big ones but Gollie probably heard Bilbo's story and figured it would be poetic justice to get his favorite nephew killed by one after Bilbo killed a bunch
The spider stings Froyo something fierce and Sampai finally does something useful other than mooning over Froyo by fighting off the spider somehow... I don't actually know how because I usually fall asleep right around this point in the movie
Sampai thinks Froyo is dead and probably cries a little or something, it seems like him, but takes the ring because if his lover is dead then he's at least going to end the abusive jerk who's responsible for all this nonsense
Except Froyo is only kinda dead and some orcs pick him up and then Sampai immediately figures out that his pal is alive. Rejoice!
Thus ends the most boring book of the trilogy. Let's move on to the last one, PLEASE, god.
When the book opens shadow-dad has decided to send a whole buncha orcs to this allegedly strategic city that the shady wizard and pals are hanging out at and it's really unclear why he needs to do this but who cares because YAY it's time for a battle
Or really just a siege, which is way less interesting but whatever
Then a bunch of stupid boring political stuff happens where hot Strider rounds up his local boys to come stan for Gondor and Faramir almost dies but doesn't and I don't quite get why we should care
They roll back just in time for angry-dwarf and pirate elf and hot Strider to save the day in the EPIC BATTLE for that city that everyone thinks is really important for some reason and pirate elf slides across some elephants and shows off his trick arrow skills which are slick
Some chick named Eowin who is one of three women in this story and has been completely unimportant until now kills the lord of the shadow-babies because of her clever understanding of wordplay that totally wasn't cribbed from Macbeth
Everyone loves her for some reason (and I don't just mean in the books, I mean IRL) for seemingly no reason except she's a cool lady with a sword (but not cool enough that hot Strider wants her, he very much doesn't) but I guess when you get three girls to pick from you make do
Anyway, the dudes dust themselves off and head for Mordor with an army while Sampai saves Froyo and gets moving toward shadow-dad's volcano
Our pure-of-heart gnome Froyo who has managed to mostly resist the siren song of our abusive ring thus far finally cracks in a place called the Cracks of Doom which is a little on the nose and he slips her on, luxuriating in her sweet, sweet embrace
But Gollie has been secretly tracking them all along and isn't going to give up his girl that easily so he has a cat-fight with Froyo and bites his finger off Mike Tyson style
(Why are you all still reading this, do you really hate Tolkien that much?
The breakfast discussion counter at this point has exceeded the allowable limit and broken, but we're well over 500.
shadow-dad still hasn't done anything useful except glaring like an angry but impotent father
the orcs are just chilling at the black gate
Back to Gollie, well, he's so psyched about being back with his abusive ex that he dances happily but for some reason this ancient gnome who lived in a cave his whole life can't keep his footing on some rocks and just plunges into shadow-dad's volcano, girlfriend in tow
When the ring melts shadow-dad inexplicably loses all his powers because for some reason they were tied to the ring but it shouldn't matter because he wasn't doing a whole lot anyway except making his shadow-babies work real hard
Hot strider takes advantage of the chaos of the shadow-babies dying by butchering all the orcs at the black gate with his army of dudebros which ALSO doesn't make a lot of sense if they were so outnumbered
but guess Saruman wasn't so great at eugenics after all
You might think this would be a great place to tie up this epic story of a gnome setting out on a Very Interesting quest to melt some dude's ring but Tolkien decided it wasn't so some more less interesting and important stuff also happens
Hot strider finally agrees to be king, VERY GRUDGINGLY, as befits his hot emo warrior stereotype, on the condition he gets to bang a hot elf lady who is approximately 2-3 orders of magnitude older than him because turns out that's what he's into, not sexy wordplay shield maidens
The gnomes FINALLY get to go home to get their fuck on which they should have been doing all along and find out Saruman's just chilling there because I guess after Gandalf smacked him around he was like "at least I can rule these gnomes I guess, let's try gnome eugenics"
They raise a rebellion and have a fight where a weirdly specific number of gnomes are killed and wounded and even after all of Saruman's bullshit and betrayals they try to spare him because they are Noble Heroes
But because Saruman is Very Evil and has no true friends even his buddy from Rohan turns on him and kills him, and he's learned from his last very poor wizard assassination attempt and actually manages it this time but the hobbits ice him too because only wizards get mercy
Most of the gnomes end up happily married and actually DO get their fuck on (thank god, they deserve something for all this nonsense) but Froyo is too broken from his abusive ex the ring and has to go cry about it a little
Anyway, he solves this by going on a fun boat trip with Gandalf and Bilbo
And in conclusion, this is why you should never read Lord of the Rings.
I actually also always fall asleep during all of the third movie and most of the second. Besides I think you got the gist of it from this thread.
So if you're thinking about it, just... don't. Unless you really want to read about all those scintillating breakfast meals I skipped over.